It has come to the attention of the UW Nordic News crew that the fall is prime time for things to go wrong in your training season. Be it injuries, swine flu, or studying for midterms, your butt has been missing from practise. “But UW Nordic News Team” you whine, “I’ve been swamped – my smelly professor just assigned me 300 pages of molecular orthodoxy, and that’s just for my Medieval History class”. This argument IS a good one. Everyone knows orthodoxy is tricky at the best of times, and mid 15th Century is no exception. However, this does not qualify as a legitimate reason to miss practise, and we here at the UW Nordic News have compiled a list of ways to avoid the busy, soul-and-body-sucking experience that is fall at the University of Waterloo.
1. Drop Medieval History 203. Easiest way to avoid work – get rid of the things eating up your time. Although we do realize it may be after the drop date and you will incur a financial penalty, do it anyway. For the greater good.
2. Don’t share water bottles. Beckie Scott once said “if someone was dying of thirst next to the trail and they asked me for a sip from my Orseldorf, I would say no”. While this may seem extreme, her point is valid. Especially during swine flu season, bring your own water bottle, and make sure you’re the only one who goes mouth-to-mouth with it. Remember Beckie Scott when Beans asks your for a sip, and stay strong. You don’t want what he has.
3. Don’t shake hands. I’m not sure why you would be shaking hands at ski practise, but if you thought about it, DO NOT! While Andrew Jeffries may be innocently offering his mitt for a friendly shake, a closer look reveals you spending a week in bed with your face exploding, and a little one-on-one time with the porcelain god. Ghandi once said “You can’t shake hands with a fist”, and clearly what he meant was you should bump fists instead of shaking.
4. Stretch. Okay, you got me, it has nothing to do with the H1N1 or whatever it’s called nowadays. But it’s freakin’ important. As certain team members have discovered, chronic muscle tightness has led to believing Andrew Jeffrey when he tells you you have a sports hernia, and that he needs to operate urgently with his Swiss Army Knife on North Campus. So stretch when you’re watching TV. When you’re standing in hallways at school. When you’re waiting for your turn to bowl. When your roomate is washing your dishes. When you’re chatting up that cute boy from Thermodynamics you’ve had your eye on. (Here’s when you’re pointing out that I should have said boy or girl. Get real. This is Waterloo, odds are pretty high its a boy, especially if it’s Thermodynamics. Call your local Women in Engineering hotline if you must, but facts are facts.) Trust me, it will make your life better if you do just a little.
5. Sleep. Seems painfully obvious that sleeping is key. However, when you are beset by midterms and the H1N1 you contracted from letting Beans’ sample your water bottle, it may seem like you just have to push through. Fight that temptation – no one ever had a better day by staying awake. Wikipedia states that as an adult you need 7-8 hours a night, and as toddler from 3-5 years you need 11-13, so whatever bracket you feel your mental capacity fits it, try fulfill those needs. As for replacements, while coffee is quite possibly the greatest invention made by mankind next to the Pontiac Aztec, drinking too much of it results in bad things. Lot’s of bad things. Things so bad we can’t tell you about them.
6. Go easy at practise if you’re injured. If something is not working properly in your body, doing consecutive all-out sprints is unlikely to make it better. If that were the case, you would see a lot more track meets happening at hospitals. So instead of acting like your brain has been replaced with a big fat steak and pushing through the workout, do some low impact stuff. Stand around, yell at your team mates, offer positive encouragement, mock their ability at front bridges, make comments such as “man, it’s cold and wet out here, I’m sure glad I’m not lying on my face on a pile of leaves”.
So, while reading this probably used up a fair amount of your precious time, don’t fret, because you gained some helpful tips. Maybe you will even use them. If you do, do not forget where you got them. As usual, we here at the UW Nordic News are always prepared for the worst, and are offering free flu shots. Apply within to jump the line just like the Calgary Flames – only this time we won’t tell anyone. Two-tier health care – it’s better for everyone, so long as ‘everyone’ means rich people.
